这一篇翻译出来就比你的原文差的很多了。英文诗好像不适合三句的格式，少了一个韵，表达减弱了很多。
中文的优点是单音节字，可以用句式本身来作为韵律，句子的长短变化可以视为韵。

You lie in springtime
And open up a map for me
I am about to embark on a changing journey

Your body is barren
I walk alone in the desert
Endless fine and soft sand

Why is there hot white snow everywhere
Everywhere are dazzling illusions created by you
I am falling every moment

I don't have to risk my life to find a forest
To find a stream
I swear

What I'm looking for is a volcano
A sea of stars
And a poisonous snake

You spread out a gentle, pitch-black night
Wanting to capture me
I am not afraid of anything

From your blood-red mouth
Spit out your sweet snake
My destiny is to die in its embrace

Before death
I see the volcano in your left eye
Dead ashes reignite fiercely

After death
I see the sea surface in your right eye
Stars flicker frequently

My soul
Jumps into your ocean of stars
Interwoven with your soul into a dream

【 在 worst 的大作中提到: 】
: 从一个男人的角度
: 描写一个女人和一个男人
: 哈哈哈
: ...................
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FROM 154.94.7.*